[size=15]WWE
(These are long but hilarious)
(Some parts been updated since like 2007, others have kind of, and some are REALLY up to date, and I will talk on that later)
Current important men who wrestle
Undertaker
"Most people think Undertaker isn't really dead, thinking Mark Callaway; the man who plays him is a normal person in real life. In reality, he's really the reigning champion of the undead. He was sent to the WWE to punish the company for it's crimes against humanity. He has a brother whom is a monster with dark sexual undertones. The story behind him still walking is that after Wheel Chair Wrestling released him, Callaway was in a freak accident that killed him. At his funeral, he sat right up out of the casket and walked right to WWE headquarters. He had been re-killed several times before by Yoko Ono, Kane, and Randy Snortin'. But he just keeps coming back from the dead"
Kane
"The Undertaker's brother Kane claims he is from Hell. Burnt down the Funeral Home his parents and brother while they were still inside. Claims Paul Bearer isn't his father, but The Devil is his real father. Likes to play with fire a lot, uses fire as his entrance theme. Ability to move his arms up and then down and fire shoots out of each turnbuckle. Wears red and black. Burned Ray Mysterio's face so badly it forced him to wear a mask. Kane used to wear a mask but decided that he is more scarier looking without the mask on."
John Cena
"John Cena is a former 3 time WWE Champion, 3 time United States Champion, and 1 time World Tag Team Champion. He had left school at an early age to join the WWE and become a professional black man. He also cannot be beaten by a clean win due to the fact that he is Goldberg's little brother(given up for adoption). He has the ability to turn invisible by simply waving his open palm in front of his face. Cena is also a fan of the interwebs, using such terms as Fuck U, Shut The Fuck Up, and OMGWTFBBQLOL. Cena gets his ass kicked for most of the match, eventually he will reverse a move into a shoulder block and the magical white rapper god casts a spell that allows him to beat his opponents in 5 moves or less, the same will happen to cena in a chess game, the 5 moves of doom are, shoulder block, back suplex/power bomb hybrid, falling head punch, wimpy version of death valley driver and a perfectly good submission he just had to go and ruin called the STFU. He used to be known in OVW as The Prototype, a robot cyborg from the future, but instead decided to become a black gansta rapper because that seemed to be more believable. His favorite catch phrase is "The Champ is Queer!" and "You can't see me!" after waving his hand over his face a few times. He is unstoppable but if there is 8 wrestlers vs him the 8 wrestlers will win. If it's 7 against him then John Cena will win."
Triple H
"He recently grew his leg back (It was blown off by a cow fart). He spent his time off Banging up Stephanie McMahon and also impregnating Vince's son and hiding his flaming homosexuality thus guaranteeing his future position of Emperor of the World. He has actually been quoted as saying when he heard Chyna speaking Spanish, "JR, there many 'bi' things I am, but lingual isn't one of them....did I just say that?" He continues holding back younger and more talented workers. He is currently in a feud with Umanga! He is also the 298th Pokemon. William Regal often claims that his real name is "Triple Haitch," but trial is pending on his official name. Most of his title wins involved some form of cheating with a sledgehammer when the ref wasn't looking. He likes to drink bottled water and spit it out at the crowd. He pops steroid pills like they are M&M's and even his eyelids have muscles on them. Since he is Vince's son-in-law and has sex all of the time with Nipple H (Vince's daughter) he gets more title shots than any other wrestler. He is one half of D-Generation-X with Shawn Michaels, who are famous for the DX crotch chop which shows off just how small their penis got from taking steroids by making the sign of an "X" with both hands and not feeling any pain from that as they chop their crotches because their testicles and penis are so small, it does not hurt. Also some 800 pound fat guy named Big Dick Johnson (A Triple Phallic symbol) likes to dance naked except for a G-String with them as he puts baby lotion all over his body. Big Dick Johnson is the only true talent in D-X and only comes out when Triple H or Shawn Michaels screws up their lines or go into a "Roid Rage" due to steroid abuse and are unable to repeat their lines."
Shawn Michaels
"Something similar happened to him, but Shawn Michaels was implanted with a ball of energy at a young age that won't allow him to die. Shawn's finisher is the Give me my walking stick sunny, more commonly known as the sweet chin music though his opponents get both when his 80 year old leg goes that high. He will, however, still age visibly. This means that in about 300 years time, he will look like Hulk Hogan and still dance like a fairy. He almost lost his eye to Chris Jerico, who kept taking cheap eye shots to HBK's left eye at the Bash at the Beach match. HBK now wears an eyepatch over his left eye and talks like a Pirate. HBK lost a fortune while George W. Bush was President because he invested all of his family's stock into Enron and MCI so now to make up for it he works for JBL the Texan from New York City who is part Neocon and part NeoNazi."
Randy Orton
"Professional twat, Randy Orton, has many abilities. His dad is a former wrestler, and so is his uncle. That is the only reason he got in the WWE and that is the only reason he is a big cocky noob. The Rock claims that when they where children, Randy would hang out with his father and play with his sister's "My Little Pony" and scream "It's my little pony, mine!" and cry a lot. Formerly of the US Marines, he was once court marshaled for failing to kill a family of cows for meat. He said, "they are just to innocent and pretty... like me" and was sent to jail for 1000 years. He was released from prison in the year 1975 and was signed up to the WWE immediately. His first year in the business was successful, he was known as Cyber-Tron Orton and held the United States championship for a record 12 seconds. He then lost it to Big Show the Third who got mad and destroyed Orton's mental processor. Orton was out with this injury for 5000 years and then made a comeback. He got in the ring and destroyed John Cena Jr. with 5 RKO's to win the WWE Title. He wears a special brand of speedos in the Ring that always seems to be having a wardrobe malfunction because they are made by Janet Jackson especially for Randy Orton. So Randy's opponents keep pulling it down for a quick pin. When Ted Debiose Jr. made fun of him, Randy did an RKO and then Football (US Football not Soccer) Punted Ted's head halfway off his body, and then that made the other members of Priceless Cody Rhodes and Manu angry at Randy. Until Randy showed that John Cena was a bigger dick than he was, and got Cody and Manu to beat up on Cena with Chris Jericho because John Cena had returned from a broken neck and tried to steal the show at Raw. So Chris Jericho did a DDT off the entry ramp after Cody, Manu, and Randy beat the shit out of Cena, and then Jericho put Cena in the Walls of Jericho breaking his neck some more. Then the show ended, but Cena recovered by waving his hand in front of his face so nobody could see him, and that broke the hold and he walked away leaving the rest confused. Randy Orton has many gifts one being he can hear voices in his bread!!!"
CM Punk
"Cookie Monster "CM" Punk, currently runs the Church of Straightedge on the Smackdown! brand, where he and his holy seductress, Sarena (along with some guy who traveled from the nineties to steal all of our nation's camo shorts), spend their Friday nights shaving the heads of babies."
This one is kind of fucked up but it's funny Chris Jericho
"Chris Jericho invented Microsoft in 1972. He forgot how he did it in 2007 so he tried to write the code for Windows again. When all he could write was bits of binary and stuff about him returning to wrestling, he decided he might as well do that. Thus far, he has mainly looked a bit odd due to his short hair and his magician getup and people seem to have forgotten to cheer for him, as they would rather Eddie Guerrero had come back and punched his widow Vickie in the head for being shit and getting engaged to Edge. Chris Jericho has recently been voted "worst Canadian role model" because of the fact that he openly stated that he is the only Canadian on the planet who 'loves' HBK Shawn Michaels since his teenage years. This proves why he doesn't get a crowd reaction since his return to the WWE from all fans watching at home or at wrestling arena's. Before the death of Chris Benoit Jericho spent much of his free time being trained by the psycho family killer on how to properly beat the shit out of defenseless women and On February 7, 2009 after a match in Victoria, British Columbia some crazy slut jumped Jericho and dared to treat his as an equal, Jericho decided this was a perfect oppertunity to use his training and smacked the crazy bitch in the mouth. Sadly the police got involved and prevented him from putting her in the crossface and finishing her off in the same way as his master did. However Jericho is confident that one day he will suceed in his mission to murder an innocent woman, look out Mrs Jericho."
Matt Hardy
"Matt" Matthew Mooreon Hardy, a former member of The Hardyz, presently resides on the Smackdown! brand, losing on most weeks alongside a giant Indian named The Great Khali, whose gimmick revolves around a fetish for homely-looking women. In his career, Matt has won the United States Championship, the ECW Championship, the Ultimate Jobber Championship, the Internet Gossip Saved My Career Championship and the Holy Shit, He Nearly Tore Off CM Punk's Leg with a Simple Single Leg Boston Crab! Championship. Matt's most successful stint as a singles wrestler came with the introduction of his, "Matt Hardy: Version 0" gimmick, which saw him become bulimic in order for him to compete on America's Next Top Model."
RVD
Rob Van Dam (Or Roberto Vanne Damo for our Italian users) was some athletic guy that wrestled very well and loved to thumb himself very slowly in case the audience couldn't say his name correctly. He won the WWE and ECW titles, then he celebrated his win by scoring some weed, smoking it with his is friend Sabu (whome by the way, is not quite at bad as botching as 9.Morrison), and got pulled over by the police while drving without his shirt on. He continued to get depushed after that and recently he didn't resign with the company.
RVD's love for Weed
RVD loves weed he smokes it with his good friends the WaterMan(also known as The SandMan in WWE) he also likes to smoke weed with the arabian pothead Sabu (9.Morrison is botchier then him). One day when RVD was smoking weed with his good friend the botch machine Sabu, the pigs a.k.a the police found the arabian pothead and RVD smoking pot. Vince McMahon found out and suplexed RVD and RVD was like !OMG! Since that moment RVD left WWE and now smokes regulary with the arabian pothead in his 2 bedroom cardboard box with a tin can for a bathroom. His WWE career was ended when Randy Orton punted his face in, leading to another push. RVD agrees on making an appearances on Dr Phil for his problems with his former wife Tommy Dreamer, who was also on his way to more botchfests.
Batista
Dave Batista, a self-confessed shit wrestler (Read his auto-biography "Batista Unleashed" for more) can lift every cruiserweight wrestler on the Smackdown brand all at once and also injures himself in exciting new ways. He showed this impressive skill during one of his many squash matches. He has gone from strength to strength since winning the World Heavyweight Championship from Triple HHH. He has since lost the title due to injury, then won the title, then lost the title, then won the title, then most recently lost it to Edge. He enjoys boring the fans with countless fueds with The Undertaker and Edge, and has a nack for showing his sexual relationship with Rey Mysterio as often as possible. There is an old folks tale that he was spawned in the Devil's Pit in the year 1149 B.C and that he wrestled Xena and Hercules for the World Heavyweight Championship at WrestleMania 12 B.V. (Before Vince)
Rey Mysterio
He is gay and he has relationshpis with Batista. He has a mask that say 69. Batista dumped him when Gay Mysterio ruined his chance as being champ, because he thought they were supposed to be friends. So Gay Myterio is single.
Liu Kang
Liu Kang has always been known as the "Champion of Mortal Kombat", but little do people know he had a run in the WWE for many years. It was Kang who freeded the WWE from the tyranny of it's original owner (another previously unknown fact) Shang Tsung. After Kang's victory, Vince McMahon, (the second owner and self proclaimed "God" of professional wrestling, took control of the WWE and fired Kang. After that he went to TNA for a while and then returned to the WWE to become it's last World Heavyweight Champion before the company was bought out by new owner Jeff Jarrett.
Death of Vince McMahon
Last week, which won't be last week eventually due to the linear movement of time, Vince McMahon stepped inside his long car to be met with an explosion. His body has not yet been recovered, but it is believed that his grapefruit sized testicles acted as a fireproof vest and he the blast simply launched him into thin air. Scientists estimated that the blast will have sent him all the way to the island from Lost. Vince Mcmahon then returned to raw to find out that The Burger King was his long lost brother.
First Person To Find Out Who William Thoyts Is Match
A very famous match, with a basic format. The first person to find out who William Thoyts is would win. However, after 100 years of contesting, the participants got bored and went to sleep. They woke up and wondered who William Thoyts actually was...
I think we need to update this A LOT. I think we can make this funnier and hell of a lot better. So if you are interested in updating this with me reply.
Subject: Uncyclopedia: WWE 
Sun Oct 17, 2010 1:19 am
